CrossFit Broadbeach

“Fran” 21 - 15 - 9

Thrusters 42kg/30kg

Pull Ups

Miko Salo “Fran [wmv] courtesy CrossFit Inc.

Dear Fran,

I have to admit, it was not pleasant seeing you today. The last time I saw you was about six months ago and I thought we had a pretty good experience. To be quite frank, I don’t think things are going to work out between us, but first let me explain why. 

When I first started CrossFit, I heard all about you. You were probably the most popular girl out of all the rest. I really liked some of the others like Helen and Angie and even Barbara, but you were different. I saw pictures of you on the internet with all kinds of different people from around the world. I also found pictures and videos of people “doing” your dumbbell sister and “destroying” your fat sister, but they didn’t compare to you. I was intrigued and interested to meet you.

I played it over and over again in my head. One day I would walk in the gym and there you would be on the whiteboard staring back at me with your simplistic beauty. Your perfect measurements of 21-15-9 wrapped in a 95 pound body gave me butterflies. Then the day came on a hot summer day last July. Do you remember? Our first visit was like a lucid dream (minus the midgets).

I remember getting to the gym a little early to watch other guys try to do you. You left them bruised and battered and the floor and sent others home with bloody palms. Some people tried but you could tell their heart wasn’t in it. As the hour drew near, I knew it was our destiny for us to be together.

Our first meeting was a memorable one like when Daniel LaRusso meets Ali (Elizabeth Shue) for the first time on the beach. Sparks flew and the first few seconds were magical but then Johnny and the rest of the Cobra Kais come and kick Daniel Son’s ass. My thrusters were mediocre at best, but my pull-up was the thing that really won you over. It only took you 5:37 to tease me and leave me wanting more. I drove home that night drunk with lust and ran three stop signs. Don’t do Fran and drive.

The second time we met was at my level 1 certification. There were so many other people in the room and I didn’t want to look like a schmuck in front of Jolie Gentry and Jason Khalipa, so I had to step my game up. I knew this time I had to try extra hard to win your heart over. This time it took you 4:41 to leave me on the floor wondering what more I could do.

Today was different. I knew you were going to be in the gym and I was planning to avoid you. I was going to say I wasn’t feeling good or something had mysteriously come up and I couldn’t see you. Why? Well, I’ve been off my game for quite some time. Everyone else was passing me by. No longer were people surprised by your elegant sadism. This time they were ready for it and it showed as people were PRing all over your face…everyone except for me. You singled me out and decided to focus your wrath on me. It was inevitable you would force me to do you again. How could I resist? Two minutes in to you my muscles were throbbing and my chest was burning. Was my heart on fire or was it breaking? Five minutes in I couldn’t hear out of my left ear and my world became very small. Things swirled into a blur of bars and mumbled voices echoed to keep going like in some crappy made for TV movie where the protagonist does ecstasy for the first time. Except this wasn’t ecstasy, it was misery. I finished you today at 9:44 which was the slowest time in the gym. The fastest time went to Jon at 2:44 who could have done you and Karen in less time that it took for me to finish you off. You left me writhing in pain in some sort of post-coital fetal position with my head throbbing and my muscles on fire. I lay there wondering why I let you do this to me time and time again. Why do I let you fly in to my life and leave just as fast? Yes I will probably continue to stalk you on the internet and yes I did see the video of Slaughter doing your dumbbell sister on some Antarctic cruise. The next time I see you with some other guy “doing” or “destroying” you, I won’t be jealous, I’ll be happy that I won’t let you determine my value as a human being any more. The next time we meet it won’t be about lust, it will be about revenge. I hate you, Fran.

Regards,

Forrest

Courtesy – CrossFit South Bay

Got a laugh from this one!